[Celebrity] Adoption

Hey there Jillian Michael's new cute daughter, already paparazzi ready and super cute.

I'm always so intrigued by what celebrities say in response to why they chose to adopt. I think Jillian could have made a lot of statements about infertility and let that stand as her only reason - and it would have been a good one. Yet, I'm so thankful she said this: “Adoption is a calling,” Michaels, 38, tells PEOPLE. “There is something in you that can’t be denied. You just know in the deepest part of your being that you are meant to find this little soul and guide them through life.”


Last week I went to see What to Expect When You're Expecting. It was exactly as hilarious as I'd hoped it would be. For the most part it was unrealistic, but there were a few emotional moments that hit home in a very real way. When Jennifer Lopez's character meets her son in Ethiopia for the first time she says "I've been waiting for you." 


I burst into tears the moment that Jennifer Lopez said those words, and I teared up again reading what Jillian said about her adoption. Something happens when you're handed a baby - who was previously a total stranger - and are told that it's yours. It really does feel like you found the exact little person you didn't even know you were always looking for.

[Dear] Month Of May

Last month I wrote a brief note to The Month Of May. Apparently, May missed my memo. While she did arrive quickly, she did not provide any helpful information. Aside from being nearly visit-less, May is not delivering.

June must be is where it's at.

Dear June,


Aside from the fact that our pending 6 additional months of reunification begin during your month, I'm eager for you to arrive. If only to know whether or not I should start dreading December.


:)

[NOT] Keeping Up With The Kardashians

It has been brought to my attention several times that Mason is a super popular baby name. The fact that this had to be brought to my attention makes me feel slightly more out of the loop than I care to admit. It's not like I thought we were really being super creative. I mean, it's a pretty basic name, nothing like O'Doul or Raxton. I get that Mason is probably embroidered on a pillow in a Lands End catalog somewhere. I assumed he wouldn't have a hard time finding a monogrammed keychain at Disneyland, but still I didn't know we were approaching Mason J. territory. I think this is because I don't know any other babies named Mason. I don't know any other parents naming their baby Mason. I don't know any other children named Mason. YET - it is the #2 Most Popular Baby Name in 2011. According to Business Insider, we can thank the Kardashians for this phenomenon.

Unfortunately, neither Kiah nor I keep up with the Kardashians (because we live in a cable-less vortex of lame). Regardless, I'm a little shocked I missed the update given that Kourtney's baby Mason is like three years old! For the record, I'm aware that their baby #2 is on the way. I'll pay close attention NOT to copy them when we hit round #2 because that would just be embarrassing.

Of course, we are still in limbo about whether or not Mason will live with us forever... so I guess if he reunifies we can just name our next kid something random and feel glad that we dodged that bullet (BIGGEST LIE EVER).

Speaking of limbo - we're still there for maybe six more months or maybe not. TBD. I'll keep you posted.

Logic

One of my favorite things about foster care is how logical it all is. And streamlined. And efficient. And convenient. And how everyone always has all the information they need at the drop of a hat.

JUST KIDDING.

I would really love for all those things to be true, but they aren't. I recently found out that in lieu of writing "Confidential Foster Parent" in the "Current Placement" spot on the 6 month review paperwork, our county worker put our names. Not our address or phone number or anything, which is good, but our full, real names were just submitted to the bio parents without our permission.

It's actually not that big of a deal to me. It's not like I'm a politician or anything. I'm not remotely famous, and I'm actually barely Google-able. I'm not worried that anyone is going to come to my house, or stalk my car, find my husband's office, or harass me while I'm giving a public address. Mostly, it just seems odd that a basic protocol like keeping foster parents confidential* would be disregarded. It begs the question: What else is being disregarded?

I tend to look on the bright side, so my natural inclination is to say that nothing else is being disregarded. It's not a big deal, and people make mistakes. Yet, I know that systems have flaws - this system in particular has flaws - and that's what makes me nervous for the children in the system. For the children who are being bounced around from home to home, whose foster parents aren't taking notes or keeping track or paying attention to visit logs etc. For the kids whose cases are a million times more confusing than Mason's, who've been in and out of foster care for the last five years and have had more social workers than they can count. For the kids whose files are fat and messy. For the kids who have more gaps in their life history than they have happy memories. It is impossible for me to look on the bright side for that. There is no bright side. Those kids need someone to care for them.

I want to think that it means I'm in with the county worker when she asks for my visit logs to reference before court - like that's a pat on the back to me for being a good foster parent. As I've thought about it, though, it seems like it's less of a pat to me and more like the opposite of a pat on the back to they systems in place in The System. For me, taking visit notes was a sidebar that was mentioned in foster parent training. It just so happened to be a sidebar that I latched on to because despite how I like to appear kick back and low key, I'm [a little] controlling. Yet, my notes are the ones being handed out in triplicate. That's weird to me - especially given that I know the people who are writing these reports and taking these notes. These people seem responsible. They seem organized. They seem to be good at their jobs.

So what's going on?
I don't know. I'm just going to keep writing things down.

*In many counties foster parents are not kept confidential. However, foster parent confidentiality is standard in SB County (most of the time).

Mother's Day

When I realized that our court date would land mid-May, I was worried that we would be deep, deep into reunification. I was worried that I would spend Mother's Day knowing that I was about to become un-mothered. But now instead of thinking about how I might be without my baby, I'm distracted by thinking about Mason's biological mother, and how she's without her own mother and her babies.

Lately I've been thinking about how so many happy moments in life are shadowed by dismal realities. I want to say that it's the nature of foster care - each of my happys are followed by the ghost of someone who couldn't or didn't or might not or someone who lost. But then I think that there are lots of other things in life that come at the same price. The reality is that it's hard to be a thoughtful citizen of the world because it means that so so many of the happys are shadowed by sads. I'm not trying to be super depressing here, but I guess that I am.

I think what I'm trying to say is that I feel weird about Mother's Day this year, and I think that I will feel weird about Mother's Day lots of years. Maybe not every year, but many years. I'm not the only woman whose experience with motherhood isn't shadowed by some kind of loss. Currently, my loss is someone else's but someday it may be mine... it may be mine many many times. This Mother's Day I'm distracted by thinking about the mothers who do not have their babies - for whatever reason - and those women aren't un-mothers. Yet they, like me, may feel that they've arrived at this day somewhat illegitimately. They had a child that they no longer get to care for, and I have a child that I do get to care for but maybe not forever. But I know that I am a mother, and the women who suffered today because of their loss are also mothers.

Mother's Day has a long and surprisingly complicated history, but the first official Mother's Day in the United States was in 1870. Julia Ward Howe - who wrote The Battle Hymn of the Republic - penned this to declare the first American mothers' day:

Arise, then, women of this day!
Arise all women who have hearts,
Whether your baptism be that of water or of tears
Say firmly:
 
"We will not have great questions decided by irrelevant agencies,
Our husbands shall not come to us reeking of carnage,
For caresses and applause.
Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn
All that we have been able to teach them of 
charity, mercy and patience.
 
"We women of one country
Will be too tender of those of another country
To allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs."
  
From the bosom of the devastated earth a voice goes up with 
Our own. It says, "Disarm, Disarm!"
The sword of murder is not the balance of justice!
Blood does not wipe out dishonor
Nor violence indicate possession.
As men have of ten forsaken the plow and the anvil at the summons of war.
 
Let women now leave all that may be left of home
For a great and earnest day of counsel.
 
Let them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead.
 
Let them then solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means
Whereby the great human family can live in peace,
Each bearing after his own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar,
But of God.
 
In the name of womanhood and humanity, I earnestly ask
That a general congress of women without limit of nationality
May be appointed and held at some place deemed most convenient
And at the earliest period consistent with its objects
To promote the alliance of the different nationalities,
The amicable settlement of international questions.
The great and general interests of peace.


It's a little different than the Hallmark cards and breakfast-in-bed version we have today, but I like Howe's Mother's Day as a joining of women in one cause. It's a cause I can get behind even 142 years later.

Agreed.

Kristen - over at Rage Against The Minivan - posted this excellent blog post yesterday.

This is the war I’ll be involved in: We, as a society, are not doing enough to protect at-risk and motherless children, both in our country and globally. 

National Foster Care Month

I don't typically do Public Service Announcements here, and that's probably because this is my personal blog and not an after school special, but there's always room for an exception. So my PSA for today is as follows:

May is National Foster Care Month - who knew? Not  me.

I just found out from my BFF's over at Foster Podcast (okay, I don't actually know them, but I feel like I do). They posted a podcast about the forty reason they're adopting through foster care (which is great btw). As I've been thinking about it, I know that I could post a significant number of reasons, some of them overlapping with foster podcast. But really, I have just one main reason. It's the reason I always come back to. It's the reason that will keep me in this crazy system until my hairs are grey and my skin is baggy (which will probably occur next year).

My reason is this: There are kids who need love, and I have love to give. 

To be specific, the are over 400,000 thousand kids in the foster system (and more enter every day). These kids need loving foster homes, stable families, safe places to sleep at night, someone to wipe their boogers and change their clothes, someone to snuggle them close and tell them they're special. Kids who have maybe never had those things. Kids who may have never known safety and love the way they should. Some of these kids, actually about 30,000 kids every year, age out of the foster system without having a stable, livelong family.

There are tons of statistics. There are faces and names and stories that are heartbreaking. I could actually go on and on. But it all boils down to this: There are kids who need a home. There are kids who need a mom and a dad - even if it's just for a brief period of time. There are kids who need love, and I have love to give, and that's why I'm a foster parent.

If I wanted to be super cheesy and exceptionally PSA-ish, I would say something here like: Do you have love to give? But that'd be dumb because obviously you do. I know that it's more complicated than that. There are lots of problems in the world. Lots of pain. Lots of hurt. Lots of issues, and needs, and things and people who need saving and loving and giving, and foster children are not the only group that needs love or support. But since it's National Foster Care month, and since you're reading my blog, I'm going to assume that this is something that's at least a little bit on your radar. And since it's a little bit on your radar... well... maybe there are some things you could do to help out a kid. Actually there ARE some things you could do: here are some easy options.

Happy Foster Care Month!